“Forgiveness means finally seeing that the other person was not really responsible for what we thought came from them…”
“True forgiveness means understanding that the original blame was wrong, not the granting of a pardon for what we mistakenly believe someone has done to us.”
(This quote is from John Ruskan’s book, “Emotional Clearing: Releasing Negative Feelings and Awakening Unconditional Happiness”)
It sounds crazy at first but I agree! Here me out…
Ruskan is arguing that we’re radically responsible for owning and processing our feelings—we can’t blame anyone else for what we feel.
To put the principle into perspective, I’m thinking back to when I felt someone had betrayed my trust, and I felt hurt, loss, confusion and anger. What had happened didn’t seem fair.
However, instead of allowing myself to process what I felt, I spent way too long analyzing the situation, trying to deal with my feelings by “blaming”—either myself or the other person.
The fact is (as Ruskan argues) it didn’t really matter what had happened, I had to own and process my feelings. This person hadn’t “made” me feel hurt, loss, confusion, or anger. What I felt was the natural response to losing a friendship in an unexpected way (plus the revelation of a lot of old suppressed feelings that it triggered).
So, emotions are yours. Blaming yourself or someone else might be tempting, but unless you take ownership and process what you feel, it’s going to stay with you in some form.
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